Another Two Hours I Won't Get Back

*SPOILERS*

So what was somewhat right with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

1. Cate Blanchett, but let's face it, she illuminates everything she does. She is wonderful as the gorgeous Russian villain, complete with riding boots, jodphurs, gauntlets, a sword by her side and a saucy Louise Brooks-type black bob. But even her (by her standards) regular performance stands out like a Sahara in the bleak desert of the rest of the film.

2. Indiana's house is really cool. This is a bad sign. I mean, when you see a live theatrical piece you hate, the only thing you can generally say is "Great set!"

3. Harrison Ford can't say "nuclear" either, so that was the big laugh of the film. Hmmmm.

4. My dislike of the movie was such that I quite enjoyed the post-show discussion.


*HEAPS O' SPOILERS*

What was wrong with it?

1. Achingly predictable from 10 minutes in.

2. Obvious steals from The Mummy movies and the National Treasure movies.

3. Karen Allen - although endearing - is not much of an actress.

4. CGI is distractingly obvious.

5. Harrison Ford looks good for his age but any charm is gone. He gives a joyless performance, deeply evident in the scene in his house with Jim Broadbent. His eyes are dead, his smile is forced. I had to wonder if he is deeply depressed?

6. Credulity is not stretched. Credulity is taken out the back and beaten to a bloody pulp. A few examples:

- a snake, given enough of a tug, will snap.

- Russian villains can hear people shouting for help in a quicksand when not more than a few yards away.

- A lot of very freshly-shampooed hair, and no pomade in sight. Not very 50s.

The Amazon rainforest is not full of clear, jeep-sized paths, that stretch (parallel to each other) for miles and miles at a time.

7. The cutes. This is a horrible touch. Cute groundhogs making cute sounds. Cute monkeys being cute. Cute, awful near-kiss from the two lovers. Cute family. Thanks Mr. Lucas.

8. The scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, when Karen Allen kisses Indy everywhere he hurts sent an adolescent me into paroxysms of lust. But apparently, as older people, the couple of the film have to be instantly de-sexualized in case anything - you know - unseemly happens. Hence having their dread offspring interrupt a kiss, etc.

9. The wedding. I'm a romantic, but give me a break. This was awful. These two would not have got married that way, but halfway up a mountain, or on the edge of a volcano.

10. A movie that has to have all the villains be foreign is outdated and offensive.

11. The character of a brilliant triple-agent-archeologist spy, or whatever the hell he was, is probably not best served by casting Ray Winstone, who delights in moronic remarks and dopier actions.

12. The most ugh-worthy soundtrack in years. The Indy theme is rammed down our throat quite violently and on many occasions. The worst part (see #7) is the cute version of the theme, when little animals appear. Where's Snow White when you need her? (I love that movie.)

13. Indy's got an instant family. So now we know that everyone is going to be justtttttt fiiiiiiiiine.

14. Really weird, golden light on everyone when there is a bit of emotion in the offing. Kind of creepy, especially during the saccharine wedding scene.

15. A lame script. They really seemed to have given up part way through. "Legend says that a crystal skull was stolen from a mythical lost city in the Amazon, supposedly built out of solid gold, guarded by the living dead. Whoever returns the skull to the city temple will be given control over its power." So original it hurts.

16. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They got my $12!!!!!!!!

That's the lot... for now. I'm tired of bad films. Off to bed.